The Top 5 Best John F. Kennedy assassination theories

We’ve been covering conspiracy theory and paranoia a lot lately, so I thought it would be fun to revisit the daddy of ‘em all (the granddaddy has to be Protocols of the Elders of Zion). These aren’t necessarily the most plausible, or the weirdest. Just the best.

5. The Federal Reserve did it: The dweebs behind everyone’s favorite boogy man got their bow ties in a wad over Executive Order 11110 and had JFK assassinated. More info.

4. Joe DiMaggio did it: JFK put the the United States on a decadent path (and had Marilyn Monroe killed), and our nation turned its lonely eyes to Jumpin’ Joe to restore righteousness to our country by killing a man in cold blood. DiMaggio stepped up the plate and, using his extraordinary gift of hand-eye coordination, put a bullet through Kennedy’s brain. More info.

3. Homosexual Thrill Kill: In the words of Jim Garrison (played by Kevin Costiner in Oliver Stone’s JFK): “It was a homosexual thrill-killing, plus the excitement of getting away with a perfect crime. John Kennedy was everything that Dave Ferrie was not – a successful, handsome, popular, wealthy, virile man. You can just picture the charge Ferrie got out of plotting his death.” Yeah, that makes sense. More info.

2. The CIA meant to miss but hit: One of the most plausible theories here comes from the Don DeLillo novel Libra: disgruntled former CIA agents meant to stage an assassination attempt to guide the government to war with Cuba. But they missed and blew the president’s brains out. More info.

1. JFK had himself assassinated: I can’t find a web site dedicated to this theory, but here’s the jist of it: dying of Addison’s disease, Kennedy decided to go out like a martyr and had himself assassinated.

(Much thanks to Nick Pell for his help with this article).

8 Comments

  1. It’s always been my contention that it were suicide…

  2. There’s also the Mafia theory as presented by British journalist Anthony Summers. According to this, New Orleans Mafia boss Carlos Marcello, bragged to other Mafia leaders that he had organized the hit. Two of the men he allegedly bragged to, Johnny Roselli and Sam Giancana died almost immediatley after being subpoenaed by the House Select Committee on Assassinations. Roselli disapeared and then was found dead floating in a barrel off the Gulf of Mexico, and Giancana was simply shot through the mouth, traditional Mafia punishment for suspected informers.

    After the assassination, Marcello also sent a message, through a lawyer, to Jimmy Hoffa, who was a target of the Kennedy brother’s wrath:”You tell him he owes me”. Hoffa subsequently disappeared without a trace.
    Both Lee Harvey Oswald and David Ferrie were part-time employees of Marcello, and Jack Ruby was “in the family”.

    (from “Everything Is Under Control” by Robert Anton Wilson)

  3. I think the Federal Reserve hired the Mafia which hired Oswald, and a second sniper was used in case Oswald pussed out or wasn’t as good as a shot as they hoped.

    I suppose I’m old fashioned like that.

  4. one of the more plausible theories involve the russians. there are recordings (or at least there were at one time) of conversations of some russians with some french criminal elements. the conversations were recorded in france and actually turned in by the french badguys because they liked kennedy.

    this was dug up by a privavte investigator from new orleans who was murdered soon after finding this stuff.

  5. No, you have it all wrong. It was the Bavarian Illuminati from one angle, the Freemasons from another, the Italian Mafia from a third angle, the French Corsican Mafia from a fourth, the Pro-Castro Cubans from a fifth, the Anti-Castro Cubans from a sixth, the CIA from a seventh, the KKK from an eighth, the Russians from a ninth, the Elders of Zion from a tenth, the Federal Reserve from an eleventh, representatives from the military-industrial complex from a twelfth, Candy Jones from a thirteenth, disgruntled Scientologists from a fourteenth, Jesuits from a fifteenth, non-benign “space brother” aliens from a sixteenth, a jilted Marilyn Monroe from a seventeenth, Harry Coin from an eighteenth, Oliver Stone from a ninetheenth, Anti-war Vietnam vets from a twentieth, Pro-war Vietnam vets from a twenty-first, Viet Cong from a twenty-second, North Vietnamese military snipers from a twenty-third, a board-member from the American Medical Association from a twenty-forth, Moonies from a twenty-fifth, Yakuza hitmen from a twenty-sixth, Triad assassins from a twenty-seventh, Ismaili Assassins from a twenty-eighth, dissident Episcopalians from a twenty-ninth, Harvard Law School’s Multi-Jurisdictional Task Force’s Special Team Epsilon from a thirtieth, a homeless man possessed by Satan at the behest of members of the Order of Nine Angles from a thirty-first, a Taoist Fourier group embedded within the FBI at a thirty-second, and LBJ from a thirty-third.

    He was hit by all 33 of these bullets.

    The Zapruder film was a hoax.

    That is all.

  6. Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone, assassinated John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963 in Dallas,TX.

  7. Who gained from the JFK assassination???
    his Vice President.

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