With all the primary reshuffling that’s happened already this year, I wouldn’t be surprised if the first primary starts in like 10 minutes. So now’s as good a time as any to get in my parting shots on the remaining candidates. See also: my Democrat parting shots.

Rudy Giuliani: The Manhattan Mussolini. Read all you need to know here and here.

Mitt Romney: First he ran to the left of Ted Kennedy, now to the right of George W. Bush. What does Romney actually stand for? Nothing. He’ll sell the country to the highest bidder.

John McCain: The candidate who sang “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran.” This warmongering authoritarian is the GOP’s best shot for the White House, and probably the most sane of the lot.

Mike Huckabee: Seems sane when talking about immigration, torture, and Iran. Then he’ll open his mouth and start in on homosexuality, AIDS, evolution or whether humans are primates, and it’s very clear that this Baptist minister shouldn’t be anywhere near DC. Oh, and his kid kills dogs.

Fred Thompson: Rumored to be the laziest man in America, Fred Thompson was once described by Richard Nixon as “dumb as hell.” If actually elected, Thompson would follow the rich tradition of Reagan and W. Bush as “puppet in chief.” Who’s pulling Thompson’s strings?

Ron Paul: Join the Racist Revolution! Ron Paul is the Man on a White Horse for neo-nazis and autistic Internet geeks everywhere.

Duncan Hunter: Not worth the time it would take to write up.

Alan Keyes: OK, so today I ripped Ron Paul a new one for being racially insensitive, and then I did this “parting shots” thing and totally forgot that Alan Keyes was running. So read into that what you like. Personally, I just read into it that Keyes is just completely fucking forgettable. Anyway, I don’t really know much about him except that Obama already beat him once so I’m not sure why he’s even running.

Update: I wrote the following before I remembered that Keyes is running. I really don’t know enough about him to compare him to the others in the race, so I’m leaving the rest as is, just remember it doesn’t actually apply to Keyes.

So who’s the worst of the lot? Hard to say. Hunter, if he had a ghost of a chance, would be really bad. But Giuliani, Romney, and Huckabee all have a chance and are all scary as hell.

Who’s the least bad? Probably Paul, especially if tempered by a Democratic congress. If any of this motley crew, besides Paul and maybe McCain, win the presidency, expect the world to look like Children of Men in 8 years.